Choking "The Chicken" and staying on the right track.
BONUS! ANOTHER DOUBLE WHAMMY OF NOTHING IMPORTANT, BUT THESE THINGS ARE GOOD ICE BREAKERS FOR YOU SINGLES OUT THERE... You wanna talk about a guy getting arrested for being caught "choking the chicken"? Once again, we head to Florida for this breaking news, which I suspect is at least a month old. A person wearing the famous "Chicken" costume once an icon for the San Diego Padres until he just got too damn annoying for them and let him fly the coop was arrested for assault and battery at a Tampa ballpark. It seems the guy in the costume had one too many sasparillas before donning the trademark costume for this minor league game. The Chicken worked his way through the stands poking fun and goofing around with people there however, when the man behind the mask got a little too "touchy feely" with one young lady...well, her boyfriend didn't even crack a smile. Chicken received a bird bath of beer, along with a choke hold. Chicken fought back and gave the guy a wing across the head, and another wing to the stomach before the cops showed up and split them up. Although "The Chicken" isn't going to fry, the man inside got arrested, spent the night in jail, and got his photo posted on "The Smoking Gun" website. Funny thing is, this all happened in perfect synchronicity with this "Bird Flu" thing. Now that President Bush scared the holy hell out of me calling this perhaps the next "Black Plague", it kind of wants me to choke the chicken myself! This really makes me stop and think. Do you think?? Nah, couldn't be. Could it? Maybe the Padres should have let him keep wearing the jersey and make him think he's still on the payroll, then he wouldn't be so damn bitter! (See photo above right) "Remember me? I'm the woman that had my parents spend a Wells-Fargo truck full of money on my ritzy, fancy, hillbilly wedding only to get scared at the last minute and pretend I was taken kidnapped to Mexico by a bunch of hoodlums. Remember? Not yet? I pretended I was in the trunk of a car beaten and bruised when I called from my cell phone to my Mom and Dad crying and asking for help because I thought Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro were going to hit me with a shovel and bury me in the Mexican desert. I also got the whole US of A to look for me along with your tax dollars and the National Guard...and heh heh heh, it was all just a goof?" Well, guess what? Jennifer Willbanks is headed to Chicago this weekend for the annual "Chicago Marathon." There's already so much buzz around the "runaway bride" that officials for Sunday's event advised her not to wear a name on her tank-top so "nobody will notice her or recognize her." Hey, if I could run more than 50 yards without dropping on the street, wouldn't it be even MORE easier to single her out? Duh! The one with no name is Jennifer Willbanks! I have no clue as to if she ever DID get married but one thing is for sure...there won't be "cold feet" on Sunday night. Here's hoping her feet are red hot and soaking in a bucket of epsom salts with corns. blisters, the whole nine yards. According to the "chatter" I hear, her chances are about as good as Shaq playing a Heat game in a size 10 1/2.
posted by Dave Sypniewski at
Friday, October 07, 2005
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