AUTHOR: Dave Sypniewski DATE: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 ----- BODY:

So, here goes nothing. To get things kick started, WHAT'S UP WITH ABC 7 IN CHICAGO? They've been running promos now for nearly two months about something "BIG" that's going to happen with their newscasts. I was hoping they were going to give a pink slip to Jim Rose and his wise-ass partner in crime, Mark Giangreco. Then I thought maybe they would hire circus monkeys to sit behind the newsdesk and make funny faces and gestures while the other folks read the teleprompter. Neither is coming to fruition. The "BIG" thing that's going to happen got started on NBC's The Today Show a few years ago. It's a new studio facing State Street with a big window so passerby's can lick the glass, make faces, and hold up homemade signs...yes, if given the chance, circus monkeys can still be part of the newscast by also making funny faces and gestures. Hey guys, wasn't the wheel already invented once before? Now that all you guys over at 7 are becoming goldfish in a big bowl that everyone will see, you'll have to actually pick yourself up out of the chair and do some reporting and investigating on your own! How long before the mini blinds are installed? By the way, the other big surprise over there is a new helicopter that shoots video using High Definition technology. WOW! That means that now all of us will be able to see all the Dan Ryan Expressway construction delays in widescreen! I swear, if sports and traffic are all HDTV is going to be used for, I sure hope someone lowers the MSRP of an HDTV from it's $3000 price tag! You can catch all the excitement on ABC 7 starting next Monday morning so set your alarm clocks! Baseballz and Cracker Jerks It sure rolled around fast, didn't it? AND, it's in full swing already! Things don't officially get jumping however, until you have our "Fearless Leader" throw that first pitch. Such was the case yesterday as President Bush flew all the way to Ohio to meet the "World Champion Chicago Cubs" where he met Dusty Baker and all the rest while gladly signing baseballs and posing for pictures with the 2005 World Champs. He even asked if he could hold the World Series trophy! "You finally did it guys! You broke the curse of that darned Billy Goat!" he quipped. Nobody had the heart to tell Mr. Bush that the "World Champs" were actually the OTHER Chicago baseball team who had their home opener the night before. He then made his way over to the other clubhouse to meet and greet the team he once owned: The Texas Rangers. "Nice uniforms" he said. "What's with the big C though? Oh, it must stand for COW which they have zillions of down there in my home state!" Don't laugh. It probably happened exactly this way! Jerry's Cherry Garcia gets (s)wiped! Finally for today, did anyone know that former Grateful Dead frontman, Jerry Garcia is hiding out at Area 51 in Nevada with JFK, Elvis, 2Pac, and Jim Morrison? Only thing is, his cover may have been blown yesterday. Since his "death" in 1995, Garcia's ass hasn't been able to adjust to the toilets owned by the U.S. Government. He's been pretty much "bound up" for nine years! It happens to the best of us. He went to his old house to at least grab the toilet seat from the new owner. But you see, someone beat him to the punch. The new owner of the house was doing some remodeling work and just so happened to put the bathroom fixtures out in the driveway while he did the work. Some Dead Head knowing damn well that Garcia used to do his business in the commode, snatched it away from under the handyman's nose. In a matter of hours, that crapper worked it's way through a thief's hands, eBay, and was finally placed on it's pedistal to the infamous online casino that likes to collect unusual things like these. Now the debate has begun...who own's "The Garcia Shitter"? The fact that this flap may end up in court is a royal flush. Word is, when the FedEx guy made the delivery, there was a lot of swishing and splashing inside the box and a HAZMAT team followed a trail of a brown liquid trickling out the truck's back door. A genuine "Garcia floater" would have made for another eBay auction. Such a find is...priceless. If anyone knows the name of this casino, send it to me. I've got some Liquid Plumber, Clorox, and Scrubbing Bubbles I wish to send them as a gift. Forget about the grass, coke, and acid...put your nose near that crapper and it will be one nasty psychodelic trip that you may never recover from!

-------- Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!: A "Baseball Slide" into year #2 and "The Jerry Garcia Conspiracy Theory"

Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A "Baseball Slide" into year #2 and "The Jerry Garcia Conspiracy Theory"

So, here goes nothing. To get things kick started, WHAT'S UP WITH ABC 7 IN CHICAGO? They've been running promos now for nearly two months about something "BIG" that's going to happen with their newscasts. I was hoping they were going to give a pink slip to Jim Rose and his wise-ass partner in crime, Mark Giangreco. Then I thought maybe they would hire circus monkeys to sit behind the newsdesk and make funny faces and gestures while the other folks read the teleprompter. Neither is coming to fruition. The "BIG" thing that's going to happen got started on NBC's The Today Show a few years ago. It's a new studio facing State Street with a big window so passerby's can lick the glass, make faces, and hold up homemade signs...yes, if given the chance, circus monkeys can still be part of the newscast by also making funny faces and gestures. Hey guys, wasn't the wheel already invented once before? Now that all you guys over at 7 are becoming goldfish in a big bowl that everyone will see, you'll have to actually pick yourself up out of the chair and do some reporting and investigating on your own! How long before the mini blinds are installed? By the way, the other big surprise over there is a new helicopter that shoots video using High Definition technology. WOW! That means that now all of us will be able to see all the Dan Ryan Expressway construction delays in widescreen! I swear, if sports and traffic are all HDTV is going to be used for, I sure hope someone lowers the MSRP of an HDTV from it's $3000 price tag! You can catch all the excitement on ABC 7 starting next Monday morning so set your alarm clocks! Baseballz and Cracker Jerks It sure rolled around fast, didn't it? AND, it's in full swing already! Things don't officially get jumping however, until you have our "Fearless Leader" throw that first pitch. Such was the case yesterday as President Bush flew all the way to Ohio to meet the "World Champion Chicago Cubs" where he met Dusty Baker and all the rest while gladly signing baseballs and posing for pictures with the 2005 World Champs. He even asked if he could hold the World Series trophy! "You finally did it guys! You broke the curse of that darned Billy Goat!" he quipped. Nobody had the heart to tell Mr. Bush that the "World Champs" were actually the OTHER Chicago baseball team who had their home opener the night before. He then made his way over to the other clubhouse to meet and greet the team he once owned: The Texas Rangers. "Nice uniforms" he said. "What's with the big C though? Oh, it must stand for COW which they have zillions of down there in my home state!" Don't laugh. It probably happened exactly this way! Jerry's Cherry Garcia gets (s)wiped! Finally for today, did anyone know that former Grateful Dead frontman, Jerry Garcia is hiding out at Area 51 in Nevada with JFK, Elvis, 2Pac, and Jim Morrison? Only thing is, his cover may have been blown yesterday. Since his "death" in 1995, Garcia's ass hasn't been able to adjust to the toilets owned by the U.S. Government. He's been pretty much "bound up" for nine years! It happens to the best of us. He went to his old house to at least grab the toilet seat from the new owner. But you see, someone beat him to the punch. The new owner of the house was doing some remodeling work and just so happened to put the bathroom fixtures out in the driveway while he did the work. Some Dead Head knowing damn well that Garcia used to do his business in the commode, snatched it away from under the handyman's nose. In a matter of hours, that crapper worked it's way through a thief's hands, eBay, and was finally placed on it's pedistal to the infamous online casino that likes to collect unusual things like these. Now the debate has begun...who own's "The Garcia Shitter"? The fact that this flap may end up in court is a royal flush. Word is, when the FedEx guy made the delivery, there was a lot of swishing and splashing inside the box and a HAZMAT team followed a trail of a brown liquid trickling out the truck's back door. A genuine "Garcia floater" would have made for another eBay auction. Such a find is...priceless. If anyone knows the name of this casino, send it to me. I've got some Liquid Plumber, Clorox, and Scrubbing Bubbles I wish to send them as a gift. Forget about the grass, coke, and acid...put your nose near that crapper and it will be one nasty psychodelic trip that you may never recover from!

posted by Dave Sypniewski at Tuesday, April 04, 2006

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