AUTHOR: Dave Sypniewski DATE: Thursday, May 04, 2006 ----- BODY: It would appear as though Jesus' return is being moved up by a few weeks! What a mess we have going on here. Iran, Iraq, and let's not forget the natural disasters. Quite funny that animals on the planet may get the last laugh before the end of "Humankind". This is even too much for Jesus. We knew he was coming back for a 2nd time, but God already has his plate full and Earth is only a grain of sand in a beach full of problems. The "Avian Flu" isn't in the U.S. yet but, President Bush says we shouldn't worry yet. "Yet", and if it does get here will spread through the U.S. like a Texas Tornado! Civilization will cease to exist because of chicken or a cow that went crazy? NUTS! The best part is that according to Mr. Bush, "Don't worry yet" he says. "There are no cases of Bird-Flu in the U.S. however, it may be here in a month or two!" Give the damn rooster an ice bag and a Sudafed, but what am I to do about the beak I'm growing and the eggs coming out of my ass? On the brightside, at least we know we have a month or two to get our affairs in order. I always knew that damned Col. Sanders of KFC was a shady character! PARENTS: If your kids are acting goofy and you've been out of the mix for awhile, make sure you sit down to watch Illusionist David Blaine as a family, and then have a discussion on drugs. Decide what the guy is on now that would make Walt Disney Co. approach this guy and have him live in a bubble of water for a week before going on live television and holding his breath for 9 minutes while being chained up. There was this guy named "Houdini" Blaine...I've seen some of Blaine's specials and they are quite impressive and entertaining. But this guy is a "slow talker" and always has a glazed-over look in his eyes. Good luck Blaine, but you ain't fooling me. I've been to Vegas and saw "Penn and Teller". There's no such thing as MAGIC. The only magic I see here is, how you can live in that bubble full of pee...? "Hey Yoko! Imagine all the people wondering what the hell you're doing to John's name?" You know, I'm a bit too young to recall the feud between Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney that "allegedly" resulted in the breakup of The Beatles. I do know that John Lennon probably would have smacked Yoko Ono silly for ca$hing in on his namesake and paintings for a line of products hitting a store near you very soon. Lennon's "Imagine" drawing will be the first of several prints to be transferred over to bedding, shower curtains, throw rugs and comforters...but wait! There's more! Think of everything available featuring "SpongeBob SquarePants" and that's what Yoko's going to do with John's name and work. Somehow or another, I don't see Lennon getting giddy over the fact that his drawings and paintings are on bedding being sold at Wal-Mart. Let the man R.I.P. already! "Thank Goodness Its Fingers!" You know, I've pulled a couple of good email pranks on TGIF within the past year that resulted in free meals. As I'm sure you know, visiting that eatery in Bloomington, Indiana offers diners a bonus item in addition to chicken fingers and cheesesticks...human fingers! Now, how in the heck tarnation can the cook in the kitchen allow time to pass that long and allow someone's meal to slip through the cracks with a person's missing digit included as a bonus? I guess anything is possible and this proves it. At least it's in a college town, so after a big keg party those kids will dine on any body part without thinking twice! Chow Chow for now! -------- Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!: "Sick birds, goofy Blaine, what would John say? AND is it better to give or get the finger?!"

Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

"Sick birds, goofy Blaine, what would John say? AND is it better to give or get the finger?!"

It would appear as though Jesus' return is being moved up by a few weeks! What a mess we have going on here. Iran, Iraq, and let's not forget the natural disasters. Quite funny that animals on the planet may get the last laugh before the end of "Humankind". This is even too much for Jesus. We knew he was coming back for a 2nd time, but God already has his plate full and Earth is only a grain of sand in a beach full of problems. The "Avian Flu" isn't in the U.S. yet but, President Bush says we shouldn't worry yet. "Yet", and if it does get here will spread through the U.S. like a Texas Tornado! Civilization will cease to exist because of chicken or a cow that went crazy? NUTS! The best part is that according to Mr. Bush, "Don't worry yet" he says. "There are no cases of Bird-Flu in the U.S. however, it may be here in a month or two!" Give the damn rooster an ice bag and a Sudafed, but what am I to do about the beak I'm growing and the eggs coming out of my ass? On the brightside, at least we know we have a month or two to get our affairs in order. I always knew that damned Col. Sanders of KFC was a shady character! PARENTS: If your kids are acting goofy and you've been out of the mix for awhile, make sure you sit down to watch Illusionist David Blaine as a family, and then have a discussion on drugs. Decide what the guy is on now that would make Walt Disney Co. approach this guy and have him live in a bubble of water for a week before going on live television and holding his breath for 9 minutes while being chained up. There was this guy named "Houdini" Blaine...I've seen some of Blaine's specials and they are quite impressive and entertaining. But this guy is a "slow talker" and always has a glazed-over look in his eyes. Good luck Blaine, but you ain't fooling me. I've been to Vegas and saw "Penn and Teller". There's no such thing as MAGIC. The only magic I see here is, how you can live in that bubble full of pee...? "Hey Yoko! Imagine all the people wondering what the hell you're doing to John's name?" You know, I'm a bit too young to recall the feud between Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney that "allegedly" resulted in the breakup of The Beatles. I do know that John Lennon probably would have smacked Yoko Ono silly for ca$hing in on his namesake and paintings for a line of products hitting a store near you very soon. Lennon's "Imagine" drawing will be the first of several prints to be transferred over to bedding, shower curtains, throw rugs and comforters...but wait! There's more! Think of everything available featuring "SpongeBob SquarePants" and that's what Yoko's going to do with John's name and work. Somehow or another, I don't see Lennon getting giddy over the fact that his drawings and paintings are on bedding being sold at Wal-Mart. Let the man R.I.P. already! "Thank Goodness Its Fingers!" You know, I've pulled a couple of good email pranks on TGIF within the past year that resulted in free meals. As I'm sure you know, visiting that eatery in Bloomington, Indiana offers diners a bonus item in addition to chicken fingers and cheesesticks...human fingers! Now, how in the heck tarnation can the cook in the kitchen allow time to pass that long and allow someone's meal to slip through the cracks with a person's missing digit included as a bonus? I guess anything is possible and this proves it. At least it's in a college town, so after a big keg party those kids will dine on any body part without thinking twice! Chow Chow for now!

posted by Dave Sypniewski at Thursday, May 04, 2006

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