AUTHOR: Dave Sypniewski DATE: Sunday, November 27, 2005 ----- BODY: Every year there's some organization that comes out with their annual "dangerous toys" top ten list. Consider this a companion. This is the first annual "Adult gifts that don't make sense" top four list because quite frankly, that's all that space allows. In any event, you know someone that wants one of these items? Talk them out of it, even though the road to stupidity is sometimes paved with good intentions. THE HOT DOG GRILLER This thing which retails for about $60 puts a new twist on an old idea from 7-11. If I want a tube steak that bad, I throw it in the microwave BUT NO, this gadget warms your buns and the heating element at the bottom warms the dogs while the rollers spin them round, and round, and round for however long you want. When was the last time anyone has ever enjoyed one of those dee-lite-ful dogs at 7-11? Now, a machine that makes Slurpees, that's a gift that keeps on giving! CHIA PET Sure, along with the Chimney Sweep Log, this is a holiday tradition. But this is useless! The ads claim you can make a salad out of the crap that grows out of the head. Know anyone that enjoys a light lunch eating this stuff? Last year I wrote the manufacturer a prank email and told them the seed packet that came with it, turned out to be marijuana and I was going to jail, and then I was going to sue them. Would you believe the idiots asked me to send back whatever was left so their QC Department could "examine" it? By the way, Yes, they are located in California! THE OVE GLOVE You can use this special glove to stick your arm in the fireplace and move your Chimney Sweeping Log without getting burned. You can also use it to take the hot roast out of the oven. You could just be like me and use a metal rod for the foreplace and a potholder for the oven. $17 clams for a single glove? I can get a pair at Wal-Mart for $3! They say you this is made with the same material used on the tiles of the space-shuttle. That's good to remember when that hand reaches into the fire and suddenly bursts into flames and explodes...just like the space shuttle did -TWICE! They may want to re-do the ads! Finally, there's THE BLENDER BLASTER an actual product. It's a blender that runs on gasoline. During a power outage, it's good to know that you can still enjoy a margarita while in the dark. These things are going for close to $400 and the motor is made by honda. There's also handlebars to make sure while it's shaking and sputtering, it won't fall over and spill your drink. This is an item that also popped up one night on a late night infomercial. It was aimed at tailgaters at a football game. Anyone sees a group of guys whipping up Pina Coladas at a Bears game are going to think they're a bunch of fags. It's dumb, not practical, and now if eight hours of beer in the parking lot before the game isn't enough to get you going, now you can make mixed drinks too! On the practical side, suppose a storm knocks out the lights for a few days...while your neighbors are throwing out all their food that went bad in the fridge and freezer, you won't have a worry in the world because you'll be toasted! Santa Claus -------- Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!: Christmas gifts adults should "X" off their wish list!

Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Christmas gifts adults should "X" off their wish list!

Every year there's some organization that comes out with their annual "dangerous toys" top ten list. Consider this a companion. This is the first annual "Adult gifts that don't make sense" top four list because quite frankly, that's all that space allows. In any event, you know someone that wants one of these items? Talk them out of it, even though the road to stupidity is sometimes paved with good intentions. THE HOT DOG GRILLER This thing which retails for about $60 puts a new twist on an old idea from 7-11. If I want a tube steak that bad, I throw it in the microwave BUT NO, this gadget warms your buns and the heating element at the bottom warms the dogs while the rollers spin them round, and round, and round for however long you want. When was the last time anyone has ever enjoyed one of those dee-lite-ful dogs at 7-11? Now, a machine that makes Slurpees, that's a gift that keeps on giving! CHIA PET Sure, along with the Chimney Sweep Log, this is a holiday tradition. But this is useless! The ads claim you can make a salad out of the crap that grows out of the head. Know anyone that enjoys a light lunch eating this stuff? Last year I wrote the manufacturer a prank email and told them the seed packet that came with it, turned out to be marijuana and I was going to jail, and then I was going to sue them. Would you believe the idiots asked me to send back whatever was left so their QC Department could "examine" it? By the way, Yes, they are located in California! THE OVE GLOVE You can use this special glove to stick your arm in the fireplace and move your Chimney Sweeping Log without getting burned. You can also use it to take the hot roast out of the oven. You could just be like me and use a metal rod for the foreplace and a potholder for the oven. $17 clams for a single glove? I can get a pair at Wal-Mart for $3! They say you this is made with the same material used on the tiles of the space-shuttle. That's good to remember when that hand reaches into the fire and suddenly bursts into flames and explodes...just like the space shuttle did -TWICE! They may want to re-do the ads! Finally, there's THE BLENDER BLASTER an actual product. It's a blender that runs on gasoline. During a power outage, it's good to know that you can still enjoy a margarita while in the dark. These things are going for close to $400 and the motor is made by honda. There's also handlebars to make sure while it's shaking and sputtering, it won't fall over and spill your drink. This is an item that also popped up one night on a late night infomercial. It was aimed at tailgaters at a football game. Anyone sees a group of guys whipping up Pina Coladas at a Bears game are going to think they're a bunch of fags. It's dumb, not practical, and now if eight hours of beer in the parking lot before the game isn't enough to get you going, now you can make mixed drinks too! On the practical side, suppose a storm knocks out the lights for a few days...while your neighbors are throwing out all their food that went bad in the fridge and freezer, you won't have a worry in the world because you'll be toasted! Santa Claus

posted by Dave Sypniewski at Sunday, November 27, 2005

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