Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hey Moron?! I told you we moved! Click the link below!

The Squealing Pig: UNLOADED

V. 2.0

http://www.thesquealingpig.blogspot.com

Friday, September 22, 2006

Huh???!!

Hey Jackass...WE'VE MOVED! Find us at the above!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Chicago Board of Trade: A Pre Mature Observation: "Macy's"

If Mr. Marshall Fields were alive today, he'd only live long enough to see Macy's Department Stores take over his Empire, then he would turn over and die again! Now that Marshall Field's locked the doors for the last time yesterday, consider yourselves all whores to New York and the Macy's name. With a hostile takeover such as this one similar to Adolf Hitler's reign of terror in Europe, all you can do this time is throw up a white flag and surrender! Personally, I don't really care. They say things will remain the same...that's good for me because I STILL can't shop there for a $15 pair of socks the way I could if it were still Marshall Fields. With the change comes all sorts of changes which may take some time to re-adjust to after nearly 120 years of having the same name. For instance, the big tree which has been a fixture in the State Street and Randolph store in Chicago forever, is pushing aside that tradition to make way for what is considered a "tradition" in New York. With the percentage of New Yorker's Jews, a large Hanukkah Bush will take the spot of the tree. Ironically, one of the all time Christmas favorites is Miracle on 34th Street, the first 90 minute infomercial where "Macy's" was by no means used sparingly. A young Natalie Wood and old Sebastian Cabbott as Santa Claus couldn't even figure out they were being prostituted for commercial purposes! Another bit of irony exists here... Apparently, this "classic" didn't quite do the job to get people to walk into the store. NOPE! They didn't just remake the movie once or twice, they remade it three times. The highlight of the second one as you may recall, pulled David Hartman away from his chair on "Good Morning America" in the FORGETTABLE 1970's remake. Now, people in Chicago are up in arms as is the case in those places were L.S. Ayres and Famous Barr changed over too. In Chicago, people shopped shoulder to shoulder during yesterday's final hours to purchase something, anything, with Marshall Field's name on it and then rushed home to immediately put these items on eBay. How would you like to spend $25 (starting bid) on a green paper shopping bag that you could have gotten for free had you gone to the store? Thank you Internet for making this possible. Too bad the Internet was still only an idea on paper when Kresge's, Venture, Woolworth's, Ben Franklin, and Montgomery Wards went belly up. I don't know about you, but I don't recall anyone cutting up their credit cards and sending them back with hate mail the way their doing now. So, for the time being, you may initially become confused when you decide to go shopping at Marshall Fields on a Sunday. The Macy's name is now owner of the "Field's" name. Imagine the confusion of taking the family to the old Field Museum which will soon be called the Macy's Museum. Finally, remember the only constant in life is "change". It wasn't even a decade ago that Macy's was about to file banfruptcy and sell out to a little store called "The Dollar Tree". So, to all the people who are mad as hell about shopping at Macy's, you may complain however, spend your $80 on a nice pair of jeans, or keep on boycotting the joint and maybe one day you can buy 5 pairs for $5 when Dollar Tree takes over or, in other words, quit bitchin1. Macy's hasn't cornered the market just yet!

Friday, September 01, 2006

ARRIVING SOON

SQUEALING PIG WORLDWIDE the next generation

http://www.thesquealingpig.blogspot.com

Friday, August 25, 2006

"No more until September 11th, or I blow my brains out!"

This site is now officially on hiatus until September 11th!

Cyberspace will NEVER be the same.

You're locked into "The Pig WORLDWIDE"

Thursday, August 24, 2006

If it quacks like a duck, it's foie gras!, the 150lb baby, and Geraldo's new asshole!"

It may look like a duck, walk like a duck, and quack like a duck. If it's seen at a Chicago restaurant on the menu, it better not be a duck or the owner and chef that prepared it will be getting a big fine. One Chicago Alderman led a crusade against foie gras which is enlarged duck liver by ducks fed corn. This yo yo persuaded the City Council that this was inhumane treatment. Meanwhile, steaks, ,porkchops and the cattle and pigs they come from die without a fight just before getting their necks sliced open and chopped up with a meat cleaver. One of the first Chicago chefs to stomp his feet and cry was Charlie Trotter. This foie gras has people travel from all over the world to eat the centerpiece of Trotter's menu. Since buying foie gras is illegal now, how can they keep it on the menu with no price? Easy. A $10 bowl of soup and a $15 salad. Buy these things together and they'll reward you with a free duck liver dinner! Ok, that's great. I guess for some people, fatty duck liver incresed double in size is good eating. That poor duck. God forbid the killing was in humane. Take a trip out West where you'll find "Rocky Mountain Oysters" ...otherwise known as cow testicles. They deep fry 'em and eat 'em like popcorn. Don't blame Mayor Daley...it isn't his fault. No, I wouldn't venture into the arena of eating animals internal organs, but where do I go from here? Lettuce is good only for a while. Seriously, there's 101 problems in Chicago. What about the people checking the mail who get gunned down? What a bunch of hooey! Come out this way and foie gras will be for everyone. Not for me...I'm not gonna eat some animals internal organs...you all must be nuts! Remember Carnie Wilson? She was a member of the 80's power trio "Wilson Phillips" Everything was dandy until Carnie grew bigger and bigger, and soon looked like a shadow of Mama Cass. Dieting didn't help. As a last resort, Carnie had gasteobypass surgery and in the end looked pretty damn good (see the skinny one above) run that included guest appearances on all the major talk shows and with us being bombarded with her commercials about her surgery, Carnie got married and looked good. After becoming pregnant, Carnie has blown up again. She managed to put her 150 lb weight gain on the fact she was expecting. During this time, the Wilson-Phillips reunion CD was put on hiatus. If ANY woman I know gains 150lbs due to a baby...time to find another Doctor, Beetch! Hey, I'll betchya Geraldo had a hard time sitting down on his keester on Wednesday night! Why? Geraldo's lackeys decided to pursue some "facts" not heard anywhere else about the guy, John Karr who says he killed the girl. Nobody wanted to speak to Geraldo except for Patsy Ramsey's sister. While we didn't learn anything new, we did get to see Paulette Davis reem Geraldo a new asshole. She told Geraldo that he's been making a mockery out of this case for over ten years and said Geraldo's point of view makes it look like a sketch on Saturday Night Live. She then said that the late mom of Jon Bonet went to the grave hoping that Geraldo 's attitude towards the story will push him to the front of the line to get into hell. Truth is, he's been at the front of the line already for years...Springer and Maury Povich are right behind him!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

"Saints or sinners?" and then..."Along came Abby"!

Non-profit organizations like "The American Lung Association" and "Truth.com" are really getting on my nerves! Hey, don't get me wrong. Their whole rason for existing is because they have an "agenda". That is, they want you to quit smoking or if you haven't started the habit already, don't! Hey, that's fine. First , we drew an imaginary line at the restaurant allowing non-smokers to dine on one side and smokers to smoke away on the other side. Obviously, smoke knows no boundries so then these non-profit groups pushedto ban smoking indoors PERIOD and forced everyone in a building to light up outside. Even that wasn't good enough because with everyone outside, the hole in the ozone layer will allow the Sun's radiation to kill us all! So now, many cities are outlawing smoking no matter where you go. Where do we go from here? Cartoons. After more than 70 years of animation, they're now putting classic cartoons in the crosshairs. Several groups have come forward to protest the use of smoking and drinking in cartoons going back to the 1930's. Martini's, wine, cigars, and pipes were sprinkled over some of the early classics like "Tom and Jerry". The Flintstones which originally aired in the evening back in the 1950's even had Fred and Barney in a TV commercial cartoon for cigarettes. And then as recently as a few years ago, "Joe Camel" got the pink slip because they claimed sales were climbing with underage kids sneaking around to buy cigarettes. Ted Turner owns just about everything when it comes to cartoons. He's got Cartoon Network and Boomerang and is responsible for these "old-timers" being shown on your kids television. After a lot of pressure, Turner has agreed to chop, slice, and dice away all of the nicotine and alcohol references in his whole library. What a silly idea! Take a look at "The Simpsons". Above are three characters I picked at random where if you take these things away, there's no more show. Alas, they aren't targeting what's on between 6 and 9 in the evening because "kids are supposed to be sleeping or doing homework at those hours" Yeah, right! I hope Turner stops and thinks about this before he does it. Although smoking and drinking in old cartoons really isn't important...you never mess with a classic. Perhaps this will go the same route as the idea of colorizing "The Three Stooges" and "Our Gang" in the 1980's. I think that rather pick on cartoons for "promoting" bad habits, they ought to all get together and go after such things as "MySpace" who allow middle aged men to pretend they're 15 years old in hopes of commiting a sex crime with an unsuspecting minor!!! Just in time for Christmas...here's Abby Cadabby! Poor Elmo. He's been on Xanax and Zyprexa ever since Sesame Street moved a new muppet into the neighborhood. Elmo was the last furry friend to unpack his suitcase over on Sesame, and that was about 13-14 years ago! For a while there, Elmo was as big as The Beatles, He appeared on shows with everyone from Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse, to Oprah and Jay Leno. The line of products associated with this puppet is still big enough to make a catalog as thick as a Chicago phone book! Imagine if you will, a red fuzzy mitten that you can wash your car with, throw it in the washing machine, and take to the studio to make a few more million dollars. I guess there's nothing left for poor Elmo to do, so it's time to introduce "Abby Cadabby" and put things back on track. Not only is Abby a little girl, (or rather, muppet) but she's a fairy who walks around with a magic wand that doubles as a cell phone. Her tiny, squeaky voice and slow way of speaking is said pull at the heart strings of little girls everywhere who hopefully will be pulling on purse strings of Mommies everywhere each time you walk down the toy aisle. What a great marketing scheme. Back in the early 1970's when Sesame Street was still learning to crawl, toys related to the show were scarce. The money that was made by the few things available went back to Public Broadcasting. Is that the case now? Nope. If it were, would PBS keep having a week of telethons every month? The family of the late Jim Henson that got things rolling with a green piece of felt and two ping pong balls is now a multi-million dollar Corporation partially owned by Disney, who has enough money to keep PBS going without telethons until the Sun burns out. Remember that when you're doing your Christmas shopping at Toys R Us in the upcoming months! In closing, Snakes at the Movies...literally! You knew it was only a matter of time. There's the virtual Starship Enterprise in Vegas where you get knocked around and bruised and battered as you go through "Space". Before that, there were a few "scratch and sniff" movies that included a card with numbered scents that you were to follow along with the movie when instructed. The oldest, 3-D is still popular to this day, and most common now at IMAX theatres. You can combine them all and it still won't give you the feeling of being in the middle of it all...until now. A theater of moviegoers in Arizona were surprised to discover that while watching Snakes on a Plane, a few things were slithering around the floor. People that noticed had assumed it was some kind of gag to go with the movie and then, there was hissing and rattling. Lights were turned on and yes, some jokesters had smuggled a burlap bag full of rattlesnakes into the show and dumped the bag out and ran. After it was said and done, the only thing left in the theater were the snakes and the burlap sack. Experts and police were called. They still don't know if this prank was done by adults or kids however, you know this is one prank that was guaranteed to happen. I didn't think it would be so soon though. Oh well...

Monday, August 21, 2006

"Jumping from No Class to 1st Class!" and "The 36 Step Program"

As things continue to come together for the start of the new season in a few weeks, I now take the time to weigh-in on two things: First of all, what's the deal with this John Karr character, and why did he want to get caught but is now on suicide watch in a California jail? This is certainly a mystery inside of another mystery. This guy makes Pee-Wee Herman look like Sylvester Stallone. So, as he went through life getting rejected and being unsure of whether or not he wanted to be a man or a woman, he befriended Jon Bonet Ramsey and this obsession with little girls he says, is what drove him to killing this little one. So, then the nutjob decided to research other places to go. Other places where he couldn't get caught for having a circle of friends who were all girls under 8 years old. What was the place? Thailand! Only thing is, this guy wasn't so clever. After only half a year, he managed to get himself kicked out of more than a dozen teaching jobs for "getting too close to the little girls". See what I mean? That sort of thing doesn't happen everyday over here. Putting Jon Bonet aside for a minute and not debating if he killed her or not, his conduct in Thailand should be enough to throw him in the slammer until he rots. Better still, they should have kept him in Thailand where he wouldn't have time to rot in jail because he'd either get a caning he'll never forget, or face a firing line! What does our government do to make sure Karr doesn't become violent or change his mind about coming back with them to the U.S? Give him a 1st class seat on a plane with all the perks. While others in coach were dining on fruit salads, Karr was up in front feasting on soup, salad, and a turkey dinner with all the trimmings including a few beers and a few glasses of wine...they said this V.I.P. treatment was in hopes that he'll open up about the murder. I don't know about you, but after a big meal like that, I ain't talking! I'm taking a nap! I wonder if Saddam Hussein got the same treatment when he got caught? What else are they going to do with Karr after today's lunch of baloney and cheese in jail and clams up? Tickets to DisneyLand? A weeklong stay at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas? A cruise? Remember folks...these are your tax dollars at work! Another debate is raging on in New York as I write this. What to do with the "stairway to heaven" that is the only thing still left in the giant hole at the site of the former World Trade Center. NY is now split down the middle about tearing it down and taking the concrete to be recycled and that's it, or leave it where it's at forever and make it a item of historic significance that will be fenced off with a plaque in front of it explaining it's story. Parade Magazine did a story on the staircase in yesterday's paper. Some survivors say the only reason they're alive to talk about it, is because that stairway was the final steps to safety. Other survivors are saying this is a silly idea because it only serves as a daily reminder of 9/11 but perhaps should be relocated to another spot. Others are entirely against it saying that this debate is only stalling the progress of construction going on now elsewhere on the site. I think that if they want to save all of it or some of it, let them relocate the stairs to a place where people can go and see it if they want. They should continue with the work at that site. To think that the U.S. is free from another threat of terrorism and the stairs should be kept untouched, is just silly! You want to vote or leave comments? I direct you to http://www.parade.com.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

"Ssssstupid", "Spike Lee does Led Zeppelin", and "Barbara Manilow?"

Thank goodness for teenagers! Thank goodness for snakes! Thank goodness for a plane of terrorists. Throw them all in a bag and shake them up and dump it out, you end up with this weekends top grossing movie, Snakes on a Plane. This is one movie that can thank the Internet for being made in the first place. When the people that came up with this idea and approached several movie studios, they were all laughed out of Hollywood! Before being shown the door, they said, "No problem! We'll just make it ourselves and make it available for download on the Internet!" And that was that...or so they thought. Before anything even got started, someone with the film leaked it on their Blog *trust me, it wasn't me) and then it snowballed. They asked Samuel L. Jackson for help and he thought for a while, "let's see, there was Pulp Fiction from around ten years ago and then...aw shucks! Alright already, I'll do it!" As a result, Jackson's role in the movie has put him back on the map for sequels like Snotty Kids on School Bus and Old ladies in a Bingo Hall. I hope he makes one called, Buzzzzz. A good title for a guy who will now be forever linked to "B" movies from now on. Spike Lee is back with a new film too! Spike was worried that his new documentary about Hurricane Katrina and the damage it did to minorities would be overlooked because of high ticket prices and people that couldn't afford to see it. I guess he can sleep good now that HBO has agreed to air it. If you're too poor to go to the movies, what makes him think you're rich enough for a premium channel like HBO? Personally, I think this 4 1/2 hour journey through people's lives in New Orleans called When The Levee Breaks won't be in theaters not because of ticket prices, but rather because at home you can change the channel after a few minutes. At the movies, you feel you have to stay the whole 4 1/2 hours regardless of the fact it's too damn long! Hey, $10 a ticket and watch a grizzly bear juggle plates for 4 1/2 so I get my money's worth! Finally, Barbara Walters has been in the news for the tight ship she runs on ABC's "The View". Everyone that works side by side with her leaves or gets fired and are quick to talk to magazines and gossip shows about what an angry, bitter person Miss Walters is to not only those she works with, but people that work for her. Star Jones is still angry about getting hauled off by security from the show, and Barbara Walters' former Chef and Waitress at her favorite upscale restaurant were quick to tell "Access Hollywood" that Babs was very demanding and very seldom left a tip. All of these people that are all of a sudden coming out of the woodwork and throwing daggers, are enough to drive a person like Babs to go crazy! She needs to take some time off and rest. Without anyone even blinking an eye, Barry Manilow could slip into her spot. Maybe if Barbara can sing showtunes and play the piano she can take over for a vary tired Barry who's been canceling shows due to fatigue. Is it me, or she looking more and more like Barry, or is Barry looking more and more like Barbara? Ladies, start writing to "The View" to restore peace and harmony onto the set of a show too pumped up with Barbara's ego!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

"Summer's Eve?"

While some upgrades get wrapped up, enjoy the weekend!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

"BILLIONS and BILLIONS of stars", "Are you GOOFY?", "Pluto: dog or planet?"

Too bad Dr. Carl Sagan's soul has exited the "third rock from the sun". This may be a good time to dig up his bones and put him on a panel of experts who are debating the current status of the universe! Dr. Sagan went to his grave leaving behind a galaxy of unanswered questions. This guy was ready to debate everything from Einstein's "E=MC Squared" to 1969's "Man landing on the moon". Before his death, Dr. Sagan was quick to dismiss others beliefs that we are not alone in the universe. "We are here and that's it. There is no other life out there!". Then what? He goes and writes a book called "Contact" which later got turned into a feature film with Jodie Foster. Everything in the movie version is a total contradiction to Sagan's heartfelt opinion's. Now, at the latter end of 2006 comes a new controversey: The expanding universe and other crap. Let me explain. Albert Einstein was one of many who believe the universe is kind of like a rubberband. You can stretch it only so far and then it snaps back resulting in it collapsing on itself only to result in another "Big Bang" where the whole process is repeated again. Which means, BILLIONS and BILLIONS of years ago, there may have been a place that supported some sort of life. Hey, nobody will ever know. Now comes word this week that the fate of our last planet Pluto hangs in the balance. Goofy, isn't it? Pluto was discovered in the 1920's and given it's name in the 1930's. That's where Mr. Walt Disney decided to name a cartoon doggie "Pluto". Now, to this day I can't understand how "Goofy" is a dog, and his pet "Pluto" is also a dog. If this is some kind of symbolism for Uncle Walt's sexuality...I'm not even going to go there. Now, never mind what you learned in school about the nine planets. They're still deciding if Pluto is a planet or just a big rock. I say, what's the difference? A commitee meets in Europe next week to not only discuss the status of Pluto, but also the discovery of a possible three more planets. When it's all said and done, there could be 12. Now when your kids have you do their school project for them, you'll have to figure out where to squeeze the three extras into the solar system. Goofy? Maybe. At least Goofy, Pluto and this whole debate have one thing in common: They're all full of poop!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

"Not too quick McGraw", Another divorce", "The many faces of Jill Carroll"

Dr. Phil. Ya gotta love him.One of the kids has now left the nest to get married...Sonny boy Jay got hooked up over the weekend and wed what looked like a "End of the model clearance" on Pamela Anderson. Phil pulled out all the stops for his boy Jay and turned it into a "Who's Who" of a party. Oprah even showed up! Now, considering Jay has been riding Dr. Phil's coatails long enough to have a few books published, a couple of television specials, and a mid season show on FOX, one would think it's time for Jay to be a man and live life on his own with the hot chick.. On the next Dr. Phil we'll see Jay in bed with his new bride with Dr. Phil in the corner with his laptop making notes. "OK Jay, if you want to get the job done the right way, you'll both need to take off your underwear!" ...Says Dr. Phil. Gwyneth Paltrow and former Black Crows frontman, Chris Robinson are riding the wave of Hollywood divorces and getting one themselves after about a six year run. Chris is leaving and not looking back. This whole situation was a mess! It was either be a Dad or give up the dope. Marijuana crossed the finish line first...Hmmm?! A final thought...What's up with this Jill Carroll chick who was held hostage by Al-Jazeera? Her story of being held captive in Iraq changes more than the blinking lights on my Christmas tree. Hey, I must admit, she's an attractive young woman however, even more attractive being held prisoner with guns at her head. One thing I really can't believe is the story she told 60 Minutes on Sunday. She said, :There weren't enough tears when me made the tape. We had to do a re-take a few times with MORE tears!" I say this: If Al-Jazeera is so damn picky about getting good video, maybe they need to be sent here to clean up the crappy programs in America! Print it baby!

Monday, August 14, 2006

"Another fallen star", "A little spring in the step", and "Emeril visits the space shuttle"

The new season hasn't even officially begun (September 11th) and I've already sorted through a pile of news. Here we go...Robin Williams. Enough said, right? Robin started out with no more than two pennies to rub together. The big break happened on an episode of "Happy Days" where storylines were getting as scarce as the oil industry in the United States is today. It was there that we were introduced to Williams' character "Mork". He began in the comedy club circuit and was a frequent guest in rehab for cocaine use. An ABC television documentary a couple of years ago portrayed Williams as being "high" during most of "Mork and Mindy's" few year run. Sure, he teamed up with Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg for Comic Relief and had a couple big movies, and then he hit the skids. His latest film RV fizzled at the box office. Now again, Robin is in rehab and says that everyone should "Leave him alone".. I wonder what the Disney people think of this considering Robin is the centerpiece of a couple of attractions at Disney World. Given the fact that he agreed to accepting some really crappy scripts lately, I don't blame him. Cheers to you Robin! People in L.A. can litter the streets all they want today...Boy George is there to clean up the mess...ALL WEEK! As first reported here several months ago, George O' Dowd was "seeing things" and thought burglers were in his apartment. After a call to the police, they entered his place only to find cocaine on top of his computer. So, this guy is now walking the streets with an orange vest and a stick with a rusty nail at the end picking up Jack in The Box wrappers. Some twenty some years later, he's still a kook. Funny thing is, while George does his community service, he can't work due to the fact that there's groupies with cameras and video making sure this moment will last forever. Geez! Take a guess on "Who's Steppin' Out With His Baby" on the next installment of "Dancing With The Stars"? The Ringmaster, Jerry Springer. What a poor sap. Poor guy was Mayor of Cincinatti, has a talk show on television and a radio show on the AirAmerica Radio Network. He fiddled with the idea of running for Congress but claimed that nobody would take him seriously. What better way to fix your image than with a 50 year old guy who wears diapers and wants to be spanked? Now, Jerry thinks he's going to win the hearts of America by kicking up his heels on the dance floor? A little known fact is that Jerry has a daughter in her 20's who lives on Lake Shore Drive with her pappy. She's deaf. Too bad for her that she can still read the "closed captioning" on Dad's on air antics. 40 cloves of garlic in your pasta while cramped in the space shuttle ain't cool...unless everyone eats the same thing! Food Network "King of BAM!" Emeril Lagasse has inked a deal with, of all things, NASA. Gone are the days of powdered food. Hey, roast beef in powdered form is bad enough...add water and it doesn't get any better. So, when the shuttle goes up again, the crew will be bringing along some of Emeril's dishes for the space shuttle AND space station. Some of the items on the menu include shrimp calamari, spinach and italian sausage ravioli, and fetuccinni alfredo. They say that this was a longtime request by those going into space. Gourmet food would be the LAST thing on my mind. I'd worry most about getting there and back home in one piece!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Putting the "ism" into "terror" and making terrorism fun for the kids!

From the "Now I've seen everything department" comes an import from overseas that is geared towards the kids. Playmobil has been around for years...mainly through mail order and FAO Scwartz Toy Stores. These toys arrive from Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark or somewhere else across the "Big Pond". So, now this is entertainment. A playset that lets the kids pretend they're a shoe bomber or someone smuggling liquid explosives onto a plane. Just like real life, these little characters are made to take off their shoes and clothes for a cavity search if the security guard thinks you're up to no good. The airport itself is sold on it's own but includes a jet plane. When the Muslim looking man makes it past the sleeping security guard and boards the plane, your kid can throw the plane into the wall where it breaks into a million pieces. I thought this thing was a joke. Not so. It sells through mail order for nine pounds. However that translates into American money is indeed a mystery to me. Can we say "bad taste?" Methinks so. From kids toys I jump ahead to Sunday morning talk shows. No Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien or Jon Stewart and the Daily Show making fun of Robin Williams and Mel Gibson spending some time in rehab. No, we're still on the subject of "terror". Today on Meet The Press, substitute host for the vacationing Tim Russert, David Gregory was pleased as punch to welcome Head of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. Why this guy agreed to be on the show is a mystery to me. He didn't want to say anything. So, they tell us not to worry however, they can't say anything because it jeoprodizes the cause. I call that a "double edged sword". Terror from Washington, and terror from overseas. A few sidenotes...Former WWE/ECW/WCW Superstar Chris Jericho is debuting on a new FOX television show where famous people do an "American Idol" type thing with singing. Jericho isn't wrestling anymore. He has a daily show on XM Satellite Radio and makes crappy "B" movies on The Sci-Fi Network. Puzzling to me, is the fact that his band "Fozzy" has a few CD's out. I don't know what we're trying to prove here....When I heard of the death of Michael Douglas, I thought it was the actor. For almost the last 20 years, every film he's done has been a clone of Fatal Attraction. Nope, the guy that died was the former talk show host whose claim to fame was having John Lennon on in the early 1970's. This was the interview that Lennon stated The Beatles were "bigger than Jesus Christ". Finally...I was lucky enough to get in touch with Maxwell Atoms (Creator of "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" on Cartoon Network) Nice guy, and funny too. New episodes are in production right now however I was promised a chat soon. If he allows me to post it here, I will. -For the gals, he also did Atomic Betty.

Friday, August 11, 2006

"A bird. A plane. Gatorade with a kick"

Well, here we are peeps...a month away from the five year anniversary of 9/11. 19 people wanted to blow up planes in the air so it could rain down steel and jet fuel. Because this whole thing was a dangerously close call, I don't know how I'll ever make it out of town if I have to go. Here's a sampling of the bullcrap you'll have to go through before you take your seat on the plane. The following items will be taken out of your carry-on and thrown in the garbage (where a security guard will pull it back out once everyone boards the plane).

Toothpaste-To make this thing blow up...well, you got me.
Shampoo-Split ends? Bad hair day? A little peroxide in the bottle will really give you the frizzies.
KY Jelly, Gatorade, Mouthwash. You bring KY Jelly on an airplane and you deserve whatever punishment you get.
Underwear- You've probably heard of dropping a bomb in your pants. The airline industry wants you to know that they take anything with a "bomb" seriously.
Water- No bottled water allowed on the plane. Even the detainees at Guantanamo Bay get water,,,and Froot Loops.
You have to take your shoes off, your pants off and more. It's one step shy of getting on the plane naked! Happy trails peeps.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

"...Another poop-er-ee of stuff to discuss at the water cooler."

If you're a woman and in show business, getting a call from Barbara Walters means that you're officially "Hot Shit". Now that The View has handed Star Jones her walking papers, who better to get as a replacement than Queen of the Lesbos, Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie's sharp tongue is going to give herself the boot too. Imagine, having your own show on daytime television and then getting kicked off of there. Now, Rosie has to play nice with three other vipers on a show that doesn't make sense. From what I saw so far, Rosie is a big kiss ass who smooches up to Miss Walters cellulite covered, cottage cheese looking ass, Rosie said she'll do whatever she's told...I hope someone tells her to clean out her dressing room and go back home to her wife! 25 candles on Viacom/MTV's Birthday cake. This is really a stretch...MTV celebrating 25 years of service last weekend. So damn important that the "higher ups" at MTV decided that they just couldn't give reruns of The Real World a weekend off, If you were there in the beginning like me, MTV was ALL videos. In the beginning, MTV was on the air for about eight hours a day. What we have now is a vast wasteland of reality shows, the majority of which are aimed at homosexuals. When such a big event as MTV turning 25 rolls around, where do you go for a trip down memory lane? VH1 Classic which is about channel 989 on your cable or satellite network if you're lucky to have it at all. What a bunch of dopes!. Talladega Nights doesn't tell the real story of NASCAR. The real Talladega Speedway is nothing to laugh at. Neither is the town. A blinking yellow traffic light is where the police catch all the town's criminals. The town itself, last time I was there, had a Wal Mart, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell and that's it. As far as "Talladega Nights" goes, Will Ferrell may have done a good job portraying a fictional NASCAR driver, but truth is, there are no "Talladega Nights" in Talladega...unless you call a big night out at Pizza Hut until 9:00 PM a big party. This isn't a bunch of crap...I've been there. This is as hick as hick can get! Pee Wee lets go of his wee wee in time to make another few movies. Paul Reubens (Otherwise known as "Pee Wee Herman") has once again come out of hiding and is hitting the talk show circuit. In a plan years in the making, Reubens wants to remake Pee Wee's Big Adventure. One version would be a comedy, and the second version would be a dark comedy. Reubens can thank "Adult Swim" of Cartoon Network for his good fortune. Afterall, they're replaying episodes of "Pee Wee's Playhouse". Toot-A-Loo!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

"Stoopidpalooza er, Lollapalooza 2006 hits the Windy City like a cold lake breeze!"

As "Jane's Addiction" screams at the beginning of their CD "Ritual de La Habitual"...HERE WE GO!!!! "Lollapalooza", perhaps the Grandaddy of all the big daylong concerts is doing it the whole weekend in Chicago's Grant Park. Imagine a few dozen musical groups which in 2006 has now expanded to include R&B, Hip-Hop, and Rap. Also, Jazz and Reggae make smaller debuts. Singer and Founder Perry Farrell started this whole thing in the early 1990's with only wish and a prayer. After a few years, Farrell's project got passed on to Corporate America who decided he should take a back seat while they were going to pump a lot of energy into the concert by way of sponsorships. Just like sporting events on tv today, everything was sponsored. From Miller Lite , to Subway, to Trojan Condoms, and even Pepto-Bismol. At this point, Farrell threw up his hands and and walked out the door however, all of his chips weren't cashed in. See, Farell had all the legal documents in his name, including the name of the concert. At that point, "Lollapalooza" was pronounced dead. He did allow the show to go on using the name as a service to unsigned bands to reach out to fans. It didn't work out too well. It came and went through many incarnations before Farrell decided to return. As it turns out, this idea of multiple music styles at the same location seems to be pulling in large numbers of music lovers, as well as a large number of people who enjoy witnessing other people who are drunk or on dope. Now, depending on what you read, hear, or see on television, you either appreciate people in their 20's and 30's from all over the world visiting here, or you can't wait until the cars hitting I-55, 94, or 290. Or the planes backing out of the terminal at O'Hare ready to taxi down the runway. Some of these groups and their entourage are more famous for wreaking havoc in hotel rooms than they are for their music. In any case, if these guys poop on the bed, punch holes in the walls, have wild orgies with groupies and leave shards of broken glass from beer bottles sprinkled all over the carpeting, Mayor Daley suggests that this will be yet another feather in his cap for getting the 2016 Olympics to be held in Chicago. As of right now, no word on the status of Dave Novarro who last played with Jane's Addiction on their last album and is now on the panel of "Rock Star: Supernova" on CBS. Let us not forget that Novarro and his wife Carmen Electra have called it quits as of last week, and his new girlfriend of several weeks already gave him the boot. Mayor Daley advised people spending the entire weekend in the heat to walk down and shower under the "Video Monolith Water Fountain". Some concertgoers took him up on the offer and stripped naked under the "spitting" video images. Also, we're told once again that the big finale on Sunday night, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, will be calling it quits after their tour dates are through (pssst...I've got a secret. They may be gone a year or two, but they'll be back). So, if you got the $100 bucks for the remainder of the weekend, come and act stooopid in Chicago. It really IS a "Stoopidpalooza" afterall!

"It's not a bird, or a plane, it's a flying pig! He's pissed and coming to see you soon!"

Sorry, this is only a tease...

The official 2006-07 is a few weeks away!