Cockrings, Jesse Jackson, and The Fighting Illini
NO MORE COCKRINGS! I turned on Mr. Larry King last night and was very surprised to learn of the death of Johnnie Cochran. What a character he was! Him and that friggin' leather glove and that famous quote, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." He was working his ASS off to help O.J. , and "The Juice" just sat in that courtroom with that blank stare. I don't even know if the asshole ever bothered to thank him. Johnnie came to Chicago recently to open up an office. If you have trouble sleeping like I do, you would find those commercials at about three in the morning. Funny thing is, they said on the news that Cochran's success with the Simpson trial had nothing to do with people hiring him as their attorney. Yeah, I'M SURE! HE JUST WON'T QUIT! Every damn time I open the newspaper this week, who do I see? Jesse Jackson. What in the heck tarnation is this joker's problem? He's racked up more frequent flier miles this week than I EVER will in a lifetime. The first time I saw him was in Florida with the Schiavo situation. The family claims to have dialed him up to come down there and shake things up, and get that tube stuck back in that poor woman. Jackson likes things like that. If that family really did put in the call to Jackson, it was because they knew that he would risk everything and maybe put that tube back in himself...even if it means he goes to prison. Then, he had to show up on CNN last night to put in his two cents about Johnnie Cochran. Oh, I forgot. On Monday he was in California trying to help Michael Jackson. Yeah, they both sat down and prayed together. They can pray to Jesus until the cows come home and it won't help Michael. Those two frootloops share the same last name, and they might even be related. They're both nuts, and they both make me sick to my stomach when I see them. Maybe if he had to go through all the hassle at the airport like everyone else does, and take off his shoes, and let them go through his suitcase, he'd get pissed off and decide to say "Fuck it" and stay home! NCAA AND THE FINAL BORE Finally, are you as sick as I am about all the fuss over the orange and blue that belong to U of I? It's a good thing they're in the Final Four. It was hard to get into that school in the first place, but now it's going to be impossible. It's going to cost a LOT more money too! Thanks to the news media for taking this story and giving it overkill. The Fighting Illini aren't putting new life into the NCAA...College hoops never were on their death bed in the first place. I'm tired, Oh so tired of being reminded that Illinois is going to St. Louis to play under the Arch this Saturday afternoon. Is there anyone that doesn't know that? Please, no more stories about how this event is sold out. I also know that if you're lucky to buy some tickets off a scalper, they might go for a few thousand dollars a piece. There's also no reason to give the weather conditions in St. Louis right now when the game is a few days away. Besides, if the weatherpeople can't get things right in Chicago, why am I going to listen to them tell me what's going on down there? Illinois fans, don't think for a second that your team is responsible for all the buzz about the Final Four. I hate to break it to you but, These games sell out every year no matter if it's Illinois or Kankakee Community College. Now please, keep your stinking traps shut until 5:00 Saturday. I had enough!
posted by Dave Sypniewski at
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
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