AUTHOR: Dave Sypniewski DATE: Wednesday, February 22, 2006 ----- BODY: As the Spring Sweeps wind down, one of the most overused "investigative reports" dealt with the fact that ice at the local restaurant, has more bacteria than the water in their toilet! Could this really be true? My superb staff and I decided to ride the coattails of stations in Chicago that did their research at Chicago eateries, to see if what they were reporting was indeed, true. We're not going to hide the names of these places like they did on TV...nope. It's much more fun to humiliate and tarnish their good names! So, the testing began at 11:40 PM Sunday night. Though not necessarily a restaurant, the local Shell station does sell food, they have an ice machine, and a toilet. While my assistant filled a 32 oz. cup with ice, I did the same with the water in the toilet. Keep in mind, the only way to be accurate is to sample the samples. My assistant Butch was ready to go. He chomped down the ice and it was normal. The toilet water so he says, was refreshing but did have a slight aftertaste of zinc and urine. The ice won! Next stop: Taco Bell! Using the same testing methods, Butch found the ice machine to be dispensing water. That will work. I gave him a sample from the toilet. After tasting both, the water that was supposed to be ice tasted like, water. The toilet water however, was much colder but okay. We call this one a tie. Chili's was next on the list. This is where things got hairy, quite literally! We ordered a glass of ice out of the machine in the kitchen. The test almost came to an abrupt end when while retrieving a sample from the toilet, we discovered a "submarine" floating. For the sake of science, I told Butch we must overlook this and press on! Here's the results: The ice Butch says, tasted like ice should taste like. The toilet water on the other hand, didn't fare so well. Butch had to spit out a pubic hair. The water was kind of murky. According to Butch, it tasted like s***! It burned the back of his throat to the point where he gagged. He said it had a distinct flavor of guacamole, jalapenos, and corn. Then he gagged one more time. (A sidenote: Even after brushing and gargling with Listerine and having three shots of Jose Cuervo from the Chili's bar, Butch still has the aftertaste of s***!) The results are in! We came to our own conclusion. After sampling three eateries at random, we discovered that the girl who had originally conducted this test for her grade school Science Fair was WAY off in her results! Either that, or what she found out was perhaps "influenced" by the almighty dollar! The local television news stations in Chicago were also wrong, leading me to believe that the restaurants they conducted their testing must be advertisers whose toes they didn't want to step on! All in all, what we found out is that you must always stick with the ice machine for safety's sake anyway. Better yet, if you can live without the ice, don't fill your cup with it. As for Butch, you can send your "Get Well" wishes in care of "The Squealing Pig". He's currently having surgery at a local hospital for a stomach related illness. Now, remember, sometimes the best way to debunk someone else's theory is to actually perform the testing yourself. Also note, there was a slight margin of error which would make our results about equal! On that note, THAT's the way I see it and time for an ice cold glass of toilet water! -------- Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!: ***A Squealing Pig Special Report***

Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

***A Squealing Pig Special Report***

As the Spring Sweeps wind down, one of the most overused "investigative reports" dealt with the fact that ice at the local restaurant, has more bacteria than the water in their toilet! Could this really be true? My superb staff and I decided to ride the coattails of stations in Chicago that did their research at Chicago eateries, to see if what they were reporting was indeed, true. We're not going to hide the names of these places like they did on TV...nope. It's much more fun to humiliate and tarnish their good names! So, the testing began at 11:40 PM Sunday night. Though not necessarily a restaurant, the local Shell station does sell food, they have an ice machine, and a toilet. While my assistant filled a 32 oz. cup with ice, I did the same with the water in the toilet. Keep in mind, the only way to be accurate is to sample the samples. My assistant Butch was ready to go. He chomped down the ice and it was normal. The toilet water so he says, was refreshing but did have a slight aftertaste of zinc and urine. The ice won! Next stop: Taco Bell! Using the same testing methods, Butch found the ice machine to be dispensing water. That will work. I gave him a sample from the toilet. After tasting both, the water that was supposed to be ice tasted like, water. The toilet water however, was much colder but okay. We call this one a tie. Chili's was next on the list. This is where things got hairy, quite literally! We ordered a glass of ice out of the machine in the kitchen. The test almost came to an abrupt end when while retrieving a sample from the toilet, we discovered a "submarine" floating. For the sake of science, I told Butch we must overlook this and press on! Here's the results: The ice Butch says, tasted like ice should taste like. The toilet water on the other hand, didn't fare so well. Butch had to spit out a pubic hair. The water was kind of murky. According to Butch, it tasted like s***! It burned the back of his throat to the point where he gagged. He said it had a distinct flavor of guacamole, jalapenos, and corn. Then he gagged one more time. (A sidenote: Even after brushing and gargling with Listerine and having three shots of Jose Cuervo from the Chili's bar, Butch still has the aftertaste of s***!) The results are in! We came to our own conclusion. After sampling three eateries at random, we discovered that the girl who had originally conducted this test for her grade school Science Fair was WAY off in her results! Either that, or what she found out was perhaps "influenced" by the almighty dollar! The local television news stations in Chicago were also wrong, leading me to believe that the restaurants they conducted their testing must be advertisers whose toes they didn't want to step on! All in all, what we found out is that you must always stick with the ice machine for safety's sake anyway. Better yet, if you can live without the ice, don't fill your cup with it. As for Butch, you can send your "Get Well" wishes in care of "The Squealing Pig". He's currently having surgery at a local hospital for a stomach related illness. Now, remember, sometimes the best way to debunk someone else's theory is to actually perform the testing yourself. Also note, there was a slight margin of error which would make our results about equal! On that note, THAT's the way I see it and time for an ice cold glass of toilet water!

posted by Dave Sypniewski at Wednesday, February 22, 2006

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