Taking a look at: "The year that was"
Well, 2005 is over. Although this has taken a break for a week, today marks the return! I thought that rather than do your typical "Top 10" list of the best and worst of last year, I'd roll everything up into one big, greasy, spicy, burritto for your enjoyment. Everything may be good in moderation, but at the end of 2005 the following things have been forced down everyone's throat to the point that Walgreen's and CVS pharmacies ran out of their stock of Alka-Seltzer! Here's hoping some of these things are put to rest in 2006:
- Two out of five isn't that great. At least one team in Chicago sports has won a trophy this year, with The Bears showing some potential too. The Cubs? Forget about 'em. The Bulls and Blackhawks? Not a chance. Wrigley Field has proven itself to be just a stop for sightseeing tourists, while The United Center's biggest crowd pleasers this year were Barnum and Bailey Circus and Hillary Duff however, putting those three sports venues aside, how much longer will we have to hear about the "World Champion White Sox" and The Bears being the best team since 1985? Time to move along people!
- Looking for inspiration in some crazy places! Grilled cheese, pound cake, a tree, a pizza, and an expressway's overpass? Yup. These are some of the silly places that folks have claimed to see the images of Jesus and The Virgin Mary. People have flocked to places across the U.S. the whole year to see these things and many have earned a nice couple of bucks showing up on eBay. Call it what you will...I call it a kitchen mishap or the work of nature. Instead of people looking in their dinners for inspiration, look to the sky. On a day with puffy white clouds, you can see anything. Besides, isn't that where Heaven is?
- Hurricane Katrina. Six months later, the folks down in Louisiana are still crying another Mississippi River of tears that this work of nature destroyed their homes. I say, too bad. Everyone chooses where they'll live, it doesn't choose you. As the demolition crews continue to knock down what's left, people are standing in front of bulldozers and wrecking balls to say their three wall, roofless house CAN'T be knocked down because, that's their home. Fine. If they want to stay, let them stay. It's better than having everyone move up here! Don't we have enough going on in Chicagoland as it is? Don't give food or money to The Red Cross to help, give umbrellas and good luck!
- Black comedies just ain't funny. Remember years ago? Flip Wilson, the late Richard Pryor, Jimmy Walker, and Eddie Murphy made all of us laugh. Who can do that to us today? The only one that came close was Dave Chapelle, and he went off running from his own show! Take your Cedric, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey, and Martin Lawrence...stick them in a blender and hit frappe' Some hot shot over at the WB and UPN was handing out contracts for shows like they were newspapers. None of these guys were funny on television, so what makes people think that charging ten bucks a ticket and putting them on a screen at the movieplex will? After a horrible remake of The Honeymooners and so many others that I already forgot, get ready for more of the above (Oops! I forgot Queen Latifah too!) to whack us with another silly round of nothing funny. Makes me wonder if Rob Schneider is really white. Do all of us a favor and save the XXX humor for the stage. If they want to start out their careers as being another Eddie Murphy, remember that Beverly Hills Cop was in 1984, and The Klumps was just a few years ago. See what I'm driving at?
- The engine runs slow, but the caboose looks good. As the late Henny Youngman would say, "Take all of these please!" ...(In no particular order) J-Lo, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, Katie Holmes, Nicole Richie, Demi Moore, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkston, Jennifer Anniston, Angelina Jolie.
- The itch that you can never quite scratch. Tom Cruise, Jude Law, Simon "American Idol" Crowell", Ryan Seacrest, Howard Stern, Brad Pitt.
- I made more in the last minute than you ever will in your lifetime! (tie) Howard Stern and Oprah Winfrey.
- Get us a private plane and we'll get under your skin. (tie) Jesse Jackson and Jesse Jackson Jr. This father and son dynamic duo LOVE the spotlight and LOVE to compete for attention from the media. Wanna compete? For a friendly fight, let one manage a Burger King while across the street the other can manage a McDonald's. These two "do-gooders" need to spend less time racking up frequent flier miles by visiting Louisiana, California, and D.C., (OK, scratch that. Pops can go wherever he wants as long as it's not here) and since Junior represents this Congressional District in Illinois, spend time in Illinois instead of "stylin', profilin', jet flyin' and limousine riding" across God's green earth!
- Send your complaints to 600 Pennyslvania Ave. Poor Mr. President. Ever since September 11th and the war in Iraq he's taken a good ol' fashioned Texas bootlickin' however, this year he's REALLY under the gun. Watch a week's worth of the nightly news and you'll see Mr. President Bush getting the blame for everything that has happened wrong since the Tyrannasaurus Rex stomped down what is now Interstate 55. This is a shame! Sure, you can blame it on him for making you pay $2.00 at the gas pumps one day, and $3.50 the next. You can also blame him for the goofy increase in postage rates with another one arriving in 2007 (I'll talk about this next time). Overall, hands off the President! Speaking of Iraq though, the U.S. Armed Forces is going to great lengths to get young men who just turned 18 to sign up. I've seen everything offered to these kids including T-shirts, free music downloads, and DVDs. "I just got shipped to Iraq, and all President Bush gave me was this lousy shirt!".
- Isn't TVland bad enough already? At the recent 2006 Electronics Convention in Las Vegas, some really nifty things were presented as new gizmo's we'll be seeing sometime soon. Among those, a 37" HDTV set with satellite technology that also allows you to scan photos or upload them to your TV. The set also will have a limitless choice of channels. Say, you wish to watch the news in Butte, Montana. With this thing, you'll be able to. It may sound stupid, but may be a good idea considering these folks have been approached to have their own sitcoms: Martha Stewart, Rosie O' Donell, Al Roker, and Rev. Al Sharpton. Game shows will try and take off again riding on the success of Howie Mandel's recent hit. "Tic Tac Dough", "To Tell the Truth", and "Joker's Wild" are being developed, as is a revival of perhaps one of your parent's favorites..."This Is Your Life" this time with Regis Philbin. Thankffully, I don't think we'll be seeing Dick Clark hosting any of these. Anyway, the new television isn't a production model yet however may appear soon. A similar and smaller version is also being designed for the back seat of your SUV. Hey, if you miss your TV, HDTV, DVD, MP3 player and iPod that much to run to the Piggly Wiggly for groceries, you may need help!
- Saying Goodbye. Although many folks left us this year. Too many to mention, Peter Jennings, Don Adams, Bob Denver, and Pope John Paul II are just a few.
posted by Dave Sypniewski at
Sunday, January 08, 2006
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