AUTHOR: Dave Sypniewski DATE: Friday, November 04, 2005 ----- BODY: In what has to be one of the strangest stories of the year thus far and also mentioned on all the late night gabfests yesterday, comes a tale from a Home Depot in Arkansas. A man was shopping around the store when he had to make a "doodie". Everything was going just fine for the man sitting on the bowl however, he must have had to do some serious thinking in that stall because the minutes ticked by. When it was time to pull up the trousers...well, the man couldn't get up off the seat! It seems someone played a prank before "Cletus" entered the Lavatory by putting an epoxy based "super glue" on the toilet seat. The poor soul had just gotten home days earlier from having open heart surgery and, thinking he was having another heart-attack, passed out. By the time he was found, paramedics couldn't pry the man's ass off the shitter so, they had to take "Earl" to the hospital after disconnecting the plumbing from the wall. Imagine being in the ER when they wheeled the guy in on a stretcher with a toilet stuck to his ass. I don't know how the procedure worked out...I know that years ago, nail polish remover was good for breaking the "Crazy Glue" bond. Because the bathrooms in the store obviously don't have cameras, it's now next to impossible to determine who pulled the funny. The victim isn't laughing though. As you can imagine, a multi-million dollar lawsuit is already in the works (By the way, the photo is NOT an actual photo of "the accident"). ...So, as I was eating a late dinner yesterday evening and realizing that nothing is on at 7:00, I turned on "The Insider". That silly show that's like ET, Access Hollywood, and all the others. This show...I don't know what the angle is. Do they want to be a gossip show, or do they want to do serious journalism? In the half hour with host Pat O' Brien, I got the latest scoop on Britney Spears' husband's music career, an update on Ed McMahon's health, and a chat with Regis and Kathie Lee Gifford over what ended their longtime partnership that resulted in a pairing with Kelly Ripa. Hollywood gossip. Then, in what should have been on "20/20" or Oprah, two young women from Australia who happen to be twins were introduced (Believe it or not, they are only 30 years old in the photo provided by The Insider). The two were considering a career in modeling not too long ago until some guy told them they were "too fat". That was the start of a big downhill slide. As the cameras rolled into their Melbourne apartment for a looksie, their refrigerator was unplugged and used for storing other odds and ends. The cabinets and pantry were bare except for cans of coffee and a few cans of beans which they don't eat, because they say "too many calories". Their breakfast consists of black coffee and a bunch of cigarettes. For lunch, Diet Coke. Dinner is a glass of soymilk and aa bunch more cigarettes. They only weigh 60 lbs, their teeth and hair are falling out and a good part of the day is spent throwing up bile. Now, for whatever reason, The Insider has taken it on themselves to "adopt" these Aussies and nurse them back to health. They also want you to go to The Insider's website to send an e-mail of encouragement and talk these two into eating again. They don't want the help. They said they just want to die. What good is an e-mail going to do? What do you say? It's a sad story about an eating disorder but, what's the connection to a show about "who's dating who" in Hollywood? Oh, wait! It's "Sweeps Week". How stupid of me! THAT'S the way I see things today! -------- Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!: Bathroom humor and "Give the dog some bones..."

Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Bathroom humor and "Give the dog some bones..."

In what has to be one of the strangest stories of the year thus far and also mentioned on all the late night gabfests yesterday, comes a tale from a Home Depot in Arkansas. A man was shopping around the store when he had to make a "doodie". Everything was going just fine for the man sitting on the bowl however, he must have had to do some serious thinking in that stall because the minutes ticked by. When it was time to pull up the trousers...well, the man couldn't get up off the seat! It seems someone played a prank before "Cletus" entered the Lavatory by putting an epoxy based "super glue" on the toilet seat. The poor soul had just gotten home days earlier from having open heart surgery and, thinking he was having another heart-attack, passed out. By the time he was found, paramedics couldn't pry the man's ass off the shitter so, they had to take "Earl" to the hospital after disconnecting the plumbing from the wall. Imagine being in the ER when they wheeled the guy in on a stretcher with a toilet stuck to his ass. I don't know how the procedure worked out...I know that years ago, nail polish remover was good for breaking the "Crazy Glue" bond. Because the bathrooms in the store obviously don't have cameras, it's now next to impossible to determine who pulled the funny. The victim isn't laughing though. As you can imagine, a multi-million dollar lawsuit is already in the works (By the way, the photo is NOT an actual photo of "the accident"). ...So, as I was eating a late dinner yesterday evening and realizing that nothing is on at 7:00, I turned on "The Insider". That silly show that's like ET, Access Hollywood, and all the others. This show...I don't know what the angle is. Do they want to be a gossip show, or do they want to do serious journalism? In the half hour with host Pat O' Brien, I got the latest scoop on Britney Spears' husband's music career, an update on Ed McMahon's health, and a chat with Regis and Kathie Lee Gifford over what ended their longtime partnership that resulted in a pairing with Kelly Ripa. Hollywood gossip. Then, in what should have been on "20/20" or Oprah, two young women from Australia who happen to be twins were introduced (Believe it or not, they are only 30 years old in the photo provided by The Insider). The two were considering a career in modeling not too long ago until some guy told them they were "too fat". That was the start of a big downhill slide. As the cameras rolled into their Melbourne apartment for a looksie, their refrigerator was unplugged and used for storing other odds and ends. The cabinets and pantry were bare except for cans of coffee and a few cans of beans which they don't eat, because they say "too many calories". Their breakfast consists of black coffee and a bunch of cigarettes. For lunch, Diet Coke. Dinner is a glass of soymilk and aa bunch more cigarettes. They only weigh 60 lbs, their teeth and hair are falling out and a good part of the day is spent throwing up bile. Now, for whatever reason, The Insider has taken it on themselves to "adopt" these Aussies and nurse them back to health. They also want you to go to The Insider's website to send an e-mail of encouragement and talk these two into eating again. They don't want the help. They said they just want to die. What good is an e-mail going to do? What do you say? It's a sad story about an eating disorder but, what's the connection to a show about "who's dating who" in Hollywood? Oh, wait! It's "Sweeps Week". How stupid of me! THAT'S the way I see things today!

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